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Falling out of love

Everybody talks about falling in love. Someone even can recount in great details how love knocks on the door unexpectedly- and how it sweeps off their feet. How the magic happens. How love happens.

Nobody talks about falling out of love, though. For some reasons, people just don’t discuss about it. It is a subject a few I know avoid. It is just the way it is. I’m sure, if you type ” How to fall out of love “, Google will give you the step by step process. It might even give you warnings and advises on what to do. But it will never prepare you of the pain.

Like falling in love, falling out is not a choice I make nor it chooses me.  Its inevitability is not something I look forward to either. But it happens to me.  I didn’t realize it happening back then. I didn’t even feel the signs. I know for sure though that I didn’t wake up one morning, and realized- “hey, I’m no longer in love with you.” All I can remember is the countless times I cried in silence, the sleepless nights and the unbearable pain I had to endure alone- and then finally- there’s that time, I just looked at him, and thought, “Why?”

Why do I feel this? I was almost sure I could spend my lifetime with him. I have seen him at his lowest moments, and I still loved him. I even loved him more when I saw him cry. I was there when he almost gave up- I was his strength and he was mine.

He was the love of my life. I held on to him when he gave up on me. I never stopped knocking when he closed his door. I waited patiently when clearly he had no plans to open it. I Prayed ceaselessly. I even asked God, if there was someone, so be it. His happiness was vital to me I stopped thinking about mine. I just want him to be happy. All throughout, I blamed myself about what happened. Maybe he finally realized I was not enough for him- and it hurts like hell, because I tried so hard to be the best for him.

“What do I have to do?” I asked myself. “I must do something. I need him , I love him” I thought. “He is worth fighting for.” And so the battle began.I did a lot of research. I made a plan, created a strategy.  I have given my all, I guess. Because, I just found myself staring at myself in the mirror, and was astounded at what I saw.  I almost didn’t recognize the person glaring back at me. I had become a stranger to my own body! And then I gazed back at him, so oblivious of the wars in my head.

“Is there something wrong?” he asked half-heartedly, I am almost sure he wasn’t interested of my answer.

“Nothing.” I answered. “I’m just tired.”

That is how I fell out of love. I fell out of love with myself first, and then to him, and it was perfectly okay.

If you are going through the same battle as mine, if you feel inadequate- it’s time to re-asses your value. The person who is in love with you will never ever make you feel insignificant. No matter how hard the situation will be, if he is in love , he will try his best to shelter you from pain as much as he can. He will always be there for you no matter how great is the distance. He will not leave you. And if he does leave, fight. And if you feel like losing the battle, it’s okay. Defeat could mean you are strong enough to let go.

Just let go.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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