Everyday, I wake up with this hollowness in my heart. I feel this hollowness getting bigger everyday. The more I try to ignore it, the more it gets deeper, the more I feel lonely. What I’ve been trying to avoid is slowly keeping up with me now, and it’s starting to gnaw my confidence in my relationship with him. We are back to our usual routine now, no texts, no calls, no hey’s and hi’s the only difference is that he is happy with his new job. He barely notices us drifting apart, if he does, he is not showing it. It feels like watching us falling in slow motion, and none of us tries to fix whatever it is that is broken.
I am patiently waiting when that time comes that he’d be the one to break off the engagement. I can’t be too sure though, but I can sense his reluctance when I asked him about his plans 5 years, 3 years and a year from now. I know that he knows about my feelings towards our wedding, I am very vocal about it that-I am unsure about us. Maybe, that’s the reason why we just stop talking about it, we simply stopped talking about us-since when? I forgot.
Silence is good, I am very comfortable with it. But there comes a time in my life that it’s nagging me, whether silence works as an advantage to me or not, I’m not sure. It feels like we are certainly going to the wrong path and yet the idea comforts me. It gives me the feeling that Hope is indeed waiting for me at the end of the tunnel.
Am I being unfair? Maybe right now, I am feeling guilty, but looking back, I have nothing more to give in our relationship. He has consumed everything in me, and the good thing about it -made me realize my worth. I had been dealing with insecurities, negativities for the past months, I’ve been very selfish and mean to myself, I let this madness consumed me, I blamed myself for everything, I think, I have enough. I stayed and it’s time for me to let go. I have to let go, I know that.